What They Really Meant to Say Was...

Are you a writer? Ever submit work for publication? Ever get rejected with one of those strips of paper so oft copied that the words are fuzzy and sliding downward off the page?  Most Editors, using twenty-five words or less, can reduce a Writer to a lump of spent coal with their calloused rejections. Writers know Editors are busy, that their slush piles threaten to overtake them, that they see more examples of what should never be seen in public than Randy, Paula and Simon. They can't help it that they're heartless. It's their job. To their credit, Editors try to let Writers down easy, but it's tough when they really want to let Writers have it. Sometimes, when Editors begin to lose hope in the writing faction of humanity, they long to find just one piece of good work to prove that their lives are not in vain. They would say more in their rejections, if they could, but they're Editors, and by the time they trim all the b.s. out of their letters all that's left is: “Thank you for submitting your work, but we are unable…blah, blah, blah.” For those Writers who want more, who really want to know what Editors are thinking, I offer the following insight.

REGARDING YOUR RECENT SUBMISSION, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT:

Congratulations. You've managed to reach Stage 28, entitled "Waiting" in the Agonizing Process On The Way To Getting Published Process. You have already passed through Stages 1-27 which involve but are not limited to: "Getting Started." "Getting Stuck." "Getting Started Again." "Getting Pissed That Your Story Isn't Going Where You'd Planned." "Falling in Love With What You're Doing." "Getting Pissed Off at The Pile of Crap You've Created." "Renouncing Writing." "Taking a Breather." "Picking Up the MSS After Hiatus." "Realizing You Might Actually Have Something Here." "Attending Workshops To Be Around Other Writers Who Aren't as Talented as You, Just to Feel Better." "Feeling Bold Enough to Apply for Grants and Prizes." "Escaping To a Writer's Colony In Hopes of Finishing Said MSS." "Working Your Ass off in the Final Push to Completion." "Drafting a Query Letter." "Getting a Positive Response From an Editor Who Asks to Read Your Work."

You have survived, endured and persisted through the first 27 steps and now find yourself in the "Abyssmal Hell of Waiting." You will not be here forever, but your stay will feel interminable. We suggest you eat, drink (alcohol) and fight with family to make the wait less agonizing.

In the event that your number is called and you are summoned from "A. Hell" by the Angel of Publication, you will be notified. However, you must be fully aware that Step 28 is neither an end nor is it a beginning. It is Purgatory, and pending your results, you will either be bumped back to Step 16 where you begin the Process again, or you will be sent to Dante's "From Hades to the Amazon.com Queue" where an additional 113 Steps will be added to your Process.

Warning: It's too late to turn back. Once this Process is set into motion it cannot be stopped, aborted, reversed or hastened. You bought your ticket. You get to ride the ride.

Please forward inquiries to Madge in The Informationless Office, and she will assimilate them into File 13 where you will not find any answers, but at least you'll get to talk to a live person.

Also, feel free to step into the Hemingway Lounge where you will find Maker's and Coke for half price. Cigars are on the house.

We also recommend shopping. And Chaka Khan. And chocolate.

Have a nice day.

Secretary to the secretary of the secretary of Secretions.

Comments

[Mel]

Thank you for the info. I will file it in the appropriate file just as soon as I can find it under these piles on my desk. (The file called "Surefire Steps to Writing Fame.")

[michele]

Hi, here by way of blogmad
digging you.Stop by for a
visit

[jennifer]

secretary of secretions... awesome.

[wally]

lmao if i had a penny for everytime I got one of those letters lmao.

[Lucinda]

Great post- and congrats on your Perfect Post Award! I know the feeling...