What If?

Since Bill died I no longer worry about Robb getting killed in Iraq. The dreams and nightmares have stopped. The preoccupation with worrying about his safety has faded. He's still on my mind every minute of every day, so far away, but the fear that gripped me from the moment he told me he was to deploy has mercifully let go.

It is about forty days before he is back home on American soil.

He calls me on a regular basis. It takes his voice about five seconds to span the continents and another five for mine to reach him. We stumble over one another in syncopated communication, our words colliding over the ocean.

It is not common for a marine of modest rank to get invited on certain missions. Such an invitation is a reward, even if accepting it leads to the marine's untimely death. A MGySgt requested Robb's presence to establish a FARP (Forward Arming and Refueling Point) in Afghanistan where for two months his only contact with family would be through snail mail, and from what I've heard snails don't survive well in such brutal environs. The request was a result of his behavior in Iraq, an honor of sorts. He's been called a "shit-hot marine." He has the attention of his superiors. They've seen something in him they like. He asked the MGySgt if he could sleep on the request, mull it over. When MGySgt asked again, he still didn't have an answer, and when he approached Robb one last time, Robb turned him down. He told me about this in a phone call not long after returning to Iraq, after coming home to bury his father.

"I'm telling you now because they left last night," he said. "I didn't go because I couldn't imagine doing that to you, after all we've been through." 

Silence filled the phone line. I had no words. Only gratitude. Relief.

In the 100+ days since Bill died, I've thought about a lot of things:
What if Bill died so that Robb did not have to? What if Bill died so that Robb had a choice? He might have been ordered. What if Bill's untimely death interrupted the rhythm of Robb's life just enough to take him out of harm's way? These thoughts and more. And I think that if Bill had to make the choice to die or endure his own son's death he would have said, "Take me, not my son." I think this would have terrified him, but I don't think he would have hesitated.

Bill was not a warrior. He told me once that he got into a fight when he was five years old and wet his pants. He did not raise his hand to anyone. He was a talker and a joker but not a fighter. When we were married and on hard times I could not coax a good fight from him. I accused him of being weak, selfish, and uncaring. I criticized him for not taking care of his family. I questioned his love for me, for his children.

The Bible says in John 15:13, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Robb is Bill's son -- so much more than a friend -- but a friendship was developing. Robb had come into manhood and received the gift of Bill's blessing along with fatherly respect for the decisions he'd made. Bill knew that Robb was venturing into territory he wasn't cut out for; he'd said so himself. Robb was doing something Bill simply couldn't have done, but he was infinitely proud of his son.

What if, in the end, it came down to this: that Bill gave his life so my son could live? What if, in death, Bill gave me the one thing I knew I couldn't endure, the thing that represented my greatest fear? What if Bill's love for his family was so much greater than I had ever imagined? What if he really did care that much? What if he was that selfless? That strong?

What if?

Comments

[Melodee]

I am speechless, not a good thing when trying to comment. I am glad your boy is safe, though he's not really a boy anymore. I am so sorry his dad is gone.

What a son you have.

[Mary-LUE]

How does one's heart both break and heal at the same time? Cuz for some reason that is what this post felt like to me.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm gonna go get some tissue now.

[MT]

love him and let him know it when he gets back, I spent 16M overseas 4 the war only 2 find out she was not wanting me back..... just the insurance money.... and thank him 4 all of us

[Shari]

I came over here after Mary-Lue mentioned your blog, and I've been reading through your posts and crying and laughing. Wow. You have a gift. Not just with words, but with vulnerability.